Book Review: Where the Light Fell

Tags

Parenting, spiritual formation

2021, Convergent Books, New York

From the way, we celebrate Mother’s Day every year and as the celebration became as commercialized as Christmas, the assumption would be all mothers are kind, loving, and nurturing. Unfortunately, not all mothers are saints.

In this shocking memoir, Philip Yancey reveals disturbing events about his childhood and growing up years. The book started with the death of his father, a fundamentalist pastor, from poliomyelitis which was a pandemic at that time. Yancey’s father was on an iron lung in the hospital as polio had paralyzed his respiratory muscles. In accordance with his belief, Yancey’s father discharged himself from the hospital and removed the iron lung believing in divine healing. He died, leaving behind a young widow with two very young sons.

The family fell into hard times. For many years, they lived in a trailer and were considered ‘white trash’ by the racially biased South. The mother supported the family by offering bible study in their very Southern Fundamentalism church. She also brought up her sons in that strict and rigid tradition. We were given glimpses of these fundamentalist churches in Yancey’s books such as “Where is God when it hurts”, “What’s so amazing about Grace”, and “Church: Why Bother”. In this book, Yancey went in-depth into various events, pain, and suffering in his own life that he hinted about in his other books.

Memories can be malleable with time. Two incidents seem to stand out in this memoir. The first is that after the funeral the young widow laid face down over the freshly filled earth over her husband’s grave and ‘gave her two sons to God’. Due to her strict unyielding Southern Fundamentalist way of parenting, she was estranged from both her sons. In hindsight, she tried to form her sons in her image instead of in God’s. The elder son became a rebel, especially against authority. The younger son, Philip, withdrew into a shell. The second incident occurs when the elder son decided against her wishes to leave their Fundamentalist bible college to study at Wheaton College (which she thought was liberal). Apparently she ‘cursed’ her son for defying her and prayed that God will break his elder son and make him lose his mind.

This curse remained in the background of the narrative. Like many young persons from a repressed religious home background, the elder son adopted a countercultural life in college. It was the era of the hippie movement in which he embraced free sex, alcohol, music, and LSD. He had a meltdown and became suicidal. The elder son continued to live a broken life with bouts of alcoholism, and two failed marriages. He left the Christian faith. The mother and son were not able to reconcile for more than twenty years. An unspoken question in Yancey’s narrative is what kind of a mother will curse her son?

Philip Yancey survived her mother and their church to become a bestselling author on suffering and grace. This book gave a disturbing glimpse of what he lived through and what birthed his books and writings. Parents play an important role in shaping the character and faith of their children. What Yancey has shared with us in this book is what a domineering mother with a toxic religion can do to her children.

Alex Tang

09 May 2022

School Holidays in Times of Coronavirus

The school holidays are here!

In times of COVID-19 pandemic
– stay at home as much as possible
– avoid trips both local and overseas if possible (even if you have paid, your health is more precious than your money)
– wash your hands frequently with soap and water at home, and with hand sanitizer outside the house
– if anyone is sick with fever and cough, stay at home and do not visit your friends
– ‘tapau’/takeout and eat at home as much as possible
– if you have to eat outside your house, use hand sanitizer to spray and wash the area you will be sitting and bring your own eating utensils
– avoid touching your nose and face
– try to sit 2 meters away from other people
– avoid crowded places, even crowded playgrounds or other open-air spaces

BE SAFE, BE RESPONSIBLE, BE WELL

 

#BesafeBeresponsibleBewell

 

Education

Hello little boy,

You look so grown up in your new school uniform and cute school bag. You are so happy that you are now allowed to follow your Jie Jie up the school bus to go to school. Was it only a year ago when you drag your bag following your Jie Jie to the school bus and were upset because they did not allow you on? You were too young then. Now you are big enough. Grampa is very proud and happy that you are starting your formal learning which is a small part of your life-long learning. Formal learning is what you do in school. Life-long learning should be part of who you are, little one.

You have learnt much since you were a little bundle of joy. Well not too little as you were a big baby but a bundle of joy nevertheless. You are still learning. Grampa and Por Por are very impressed by you as you demonstrates new skills every time we see you. You have a long journey ahead of you in your formal schooling – nursery, kindergarten, primary, secondary, junior college, and university. All these are essential if you are to be equipped to be literate and earn a degree for employment. Big people called this schooling an education. Big people with big titles proudly tell you that this education will teach you not to think inside a box but outside it. Grampa is not impressed with them or their boxes. What Grampa wants for you is to be able to think without a box! Why should you be limited by other big people’s narrow thinking? What Grampa hopes that in these years in school you will develop critical thinking skills and to love learning. This will be more valuable that all the degrees and professional certificates that you earn along the way. The world you grow up into will be different from the world today. Your first degree may get you into your first job. Then you will have to retrain for your next one.

Little one, learn to think critically and love to learning new things, skills and challenges. People has always asked why Grampa and Por Por did not send your Mummy and Ah Yee to be educated in Singapore. Singapore has one of the best schooling system in the world. Grampa and Por Por believed that while in Malaysian school, your Mummy and Ah Yee can learn to think and grow with more freedom. They did not turn out too badly, you will agree. Grampa is very proud of your Mummy and Ah Yee. They have turned out to be very clever people, much cleverer than your Grampa.

Little one, Grampa is boring you with this talk about thinking inside or outside the box. The only box you are interested in is a small one in which you can put in and take your toys; or a bigger one in which you can climb into and pretend you are driving a car. That works too. Grow well in your schooling. Do not let them conform you to their mould, but be transformed in your mental development by good teachers and facilities. Grampa will be helping you as long as Grampa is able.

Dear God,

Thank you the opportunity for this little one to start school. May his education be holistic and may he develop and refine his thinking skills. May he develop a love of books and of learning. May his pursue of knowledge leads to wisdom. May his questing leads to You.

Amen

 

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Perceptions

Conversation with my Grandson

 

Hello little one,

You are getting quite tall and are able to climb onto the dining chair all by yourself. Grampa knows why you climb the chair. You wanted to see what food are available on the table! Big people food always taste better than baby food. Except for your Mummy’s milk, of course. Grampa knows that you enjoy eating. You know what the good food looks like. You only ask for what you want. Looking at things and deciding whether you like it or not is called perception.

Remember when you were younger, when you look at a mirror, you see another baby looking back at you? Yes, we all have fun when you try to touch that baby and kiss him. Now you know that baby you see in the mirror is you. That is perception. You understand that you are looking at your reflection.

As you grow older, you will learn more about perception. Some big people will teach you that your milk bottle is half filled with milk. These big people are called optimists. Others will tell you that the same milk bottle is half empty. They are called pessimists. These people let their perceptions colour what they see. Grampa will tell you to ignore them and look at the milk bottle. Is there milk in the bottle? Is the milk drinkable? (not too hot or cold). Are you hungry? Then take the bottle and drink the milk! Whether you live a happy, fulfilled life or an anxious, empty one depends on your perception. At this moment your perception is pure. It is not influenced by the ‘half empty/half full bottle’ nonsense. As you grow up, you will be influenced by this type of ‘half full/empty’ thinking. Resist that. Hang on to your present perception as long as you can. Be neither an optimist nor a pessimist but a realist. See things as they are, not what you want them to be or what others want it to be. Then you will have a fruitful and abundant life.

I know this does not make sense to you. There is milk in the bottle. You are hungry so you drink. Life is simple and straightforward at your age. It is the big people who makes things complicated. So don’t worry about that now. Finish your half empty-half full bottle of milk before it gets cold!

Dear God,
Teach this little boy to be a realist. May he grow up perceiving things correctly, not swayed by the tides of opinions or fears. May he have much faith and trust in You. Bless him as his mind develops over the years.
Amen

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Conversations with my Grandson on Leadership

Hello little one,

I see you are wearing your Star Trek gold Command tunic. Even though it is a one-piece, one day it may be a full Captain uniform. Grampa hopes that you will command one of the starships of the future. Now, however, you are happy to sit in a cardboard box and pretend that it is a car. No matter. Being a captain of a box is as important as of a starship. You see, little one, being in command of anything takes leadership.

Leadership means getting people to follow you. Yes, like you get the other children to follow you in your Toddlers’ Class in church. Leadership is not getting people to follow you like in the pipe piper story but to come together, collaborate and do things for the common good. So, leadership is a responsibility to get people to work together. Little one, you will discover when you have grown a little more that some big people think that leadership is a position or rank. Such big people give themselves big people names for leaders. Other big people consider them as VIP. VIP means Very Important Person. Yes, I know you consider yourself the only VIP in the world but you be surprised that there are other people who think they are too.

Grampa thinks leadership is not a position but a function. A leader is someone who leads other people and serves them for the common good. Jesus from the Bible teaches that a leader is a servant. A servant is one who works hard for others. Remember the stories about Jesus your Daddy loves to tell you and your Jie Jie? Anyone who is getting others together to do something is a leader. There is no doubt in Grampa’s heart that you are a leader. From the moment you are awake, you direct all the big people to do whatever you want. Grandma calls you the ‘director of activities’. However, Grampa knows that you work hard to make all the big people around you happy. Bringing happiness is a way of service.

Little one, you are an energetic and active little boy, curious about everything, and not afraid to try anything (often to the alarm of the big people!). Your total dependence on others to look after all your needs, and not to worry about anything is a good model for a leader. A good leader should be dependent on God. He or she must avoid trying to micro-manage everything.  The leader must be dependent on others to work in collaboration. One day, little one, you will be a leader. In the meantime enjoy your play and stop pulling and dropping Grampa’s books from his shelves!

 

Dear Lord,

Take care of this little one. May he grows up to be a Moses, an Elijah, and a Jeremiah. May his emotional quotient (EQ) develop holistically together with his intellectual quotient (IQ) and spiritual quotient (SQ). May he develops effective and efficient leadership skills as he grows. May he be a blessing to others.

Amen

Conversations with my Grandson on Smiling

Little one,
you have such a beautiful smile! When you smile, it is as if the sun suddenly come out from behind a dark cloud and flood the room with bright light. Your smile is so genuine and reflects much innocence and joy. Grampa thinks that when you smile, you reveal your soul which is so filled with light! Even the photo of your smile lightens Grampa’s heart. There is a photo of you smiling in your walker at the head of the stairs in Grampa’s house. Whenever Grampa sees that photo, Grampa’s heart will echo with your joy.

Grampa believes that the human face is created to smile. Your Jie Jie loves to draw smiley faces and her notebooks are filled with these faces. Grampa likes to smile too. A smile is contagious. Grampa notices that when you smile, even to complete strangers, often they will smile back. There are other old persons who do not like to smile. They walk around with a constipated look. Even when people smile at them, they do not smile back. Grampa feels pity for them. It does not take much effort to smile. It takes more effort not to smile. Yet there are people who prefer not to smile. Maybe these people have a lot of pain and suffering in their lives. They may be feeling very sad inside. Little one, here you have something to teach these big people. Not matter how bad they feel inside, if they smile like you, maybe they will allow some sunshine in. Maybe the light will drive away the darkness.

Smiling is a choice. It is often an expression of who we are inside. We are a smiling ohana. Your Jie Jie loves to smile and her smile is as angelic as yours. So does your Ah Yee and your grandparents. Little one, I hope that you will continue to smile as you grow up. Some little people who smile a lot when they are small forget to smile when they grow older. That is so sad. Grampa hopes you keep smiling and has all the reasons to smile all the years of your life.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for this little one’s smile. Please look after him and give him reasons to smile. Teach him to have a grateful heart. Endow him a joyful soul. Give him a fruitful life. Let him have friends to smile with. Let him wake up every morning and go to bed every night with a smile on his face and in his heart.
Amen

Do we steal our children’s dreams?

Do we steal our children’s dreams? For own economic and pragmatic reasons, to live our lives again through them, indifference, overprotrectiveness or to remain in control. Never do that! Challenge our children to dream big dreams. Dare them to dream great ones. Empower them to pursue their dreams. Let them dream to be all that they can be and more. #selfreflection #children#parenting

Should breast feeding mothers drink alcohol?

Tags

Alcohol and breast mlk, breast feeding, Children, stored breast milk

Pregnant mothers should not drink alcohol. This is because alcohol especially in the first trimester may interfere with the fetal development and causes abnormalities. Fetal Alcohol syndrome is a known condition in newborn that is associated with excessive alcohol consumption during pregnancy. What about mothers who are breast feeding? Can they enjoy a glass or two of beef or wine?
A website popular with breast feeding mothers have this to say

The concentration of alcohol in your blood is the concentration of alcohol in your milk. Alcohol gets into your breastmilk from your blood, moving freely from the blood to the breastmilk (and back out again). Alcohol will be in your breastmilk 30–60 minutes after you start drinking.

When alcohol is ingested and absorbed in your gut. It is then detoxed by your liver, broken down into acetaldehyde which are then excreted. This takes time. In the meantime, some of the alcohol is being excreted into the breast milk. Depending on how young your baby is, he or she may not have the enzymes to detox the alcohol. This is what happens when a mother consumes alcohol during pregnancy. The alcohol in the mother’s blood cross the placenta and affect the fetus because the fetal liver do not have the enzymes to detoxify the ethanol. Hence the fetal abnormalities.
The American Academy of Pediatrics Policy on Breastfeeding and Use of Human Milk considers alcohol compatible with breastfeeding but recommends

[Thus], ingestion of alcoholic beverages should be minimized and limited to an occasional intake but no more than 0.5 g alcohol per kg body weight, which for a 60 kg mother is approximately 2 oz liquor, 8 oz wine, or 2 beers. Nursing should take place 2 hours or longer after the alcohol intake to minimize its concentration in the ingested milk

Mothers who are breastfeeding can safely consume moderate amount of alcohol. They do not have to throw away their expressed breast milk because breast milk do not contain alcohol unless it was expressed within 2 hours of alcohol consumption. Mothers who consumes large amount of alcohol affects their baby not by their breast milk but in their ability to take good care of their newborn.
It is a myth that breast feeding mothers cannot drink alcohol. However it is prudent to consume it in moderation.

Storing Expressed Breast Milk

Tags

breast feeding, Parenting, stored breast milk

Not all mothers produce enough breast milk for their babies. There are many reasons for this and these mothers should not feel guilty about not producing enough milk. However there are those who produce an abundance of milk. The question then arises on how to store the extra milk.

Make sure you wash your hand and clean your breast before expressing your milk.
• What type of containers should you use?

The best containers are clean, capped glass or screw capped hard plastic, BPA-free containers. You can also use special plastic bags designed for milk collection and storage. If you use the plastic bags, be careful as they may tear. It will be better to keep these plastic bags in hard plastic containers such as those used for food storage. Try to use smaller containers (like 3-4 oz) so that each container contain enough milk for one-feed by your baby.
Each container should be labelled with the date and time. It is best to store them at the back of the fridge to protect from fluctuations in temperature when the fridge doors are opened frequently. Use the one who was stored the longest first.

• How long can expressed breast milk be stored?

The general principle is that expressed breast milk should not be used if it is at room temperature for more than 4 hours. This is especially so in the hot humid climate of Malaysia and Singapore.

Expressed breast milk stored at the lower compartment of the fridge may be kept more than 72 hours but less if the fridge doors are frequently opened.

Expressed breast milk stored in freezer compartment of the fridge may be kept up to 2 weeks.

However if the freezer of the fridge has a separate door, it may be kept up to 3 months.

Those in deep freezer may be kept for up to 12 months. However it is best if used by 6 months as the Vitamin C in the breast milk deteriorate with time.

• How to thaw stored expressed breast milk?

Stored expressed milk should be thawed to room temperature slowly by immersion in a bowl of warm water. Stored expressed milk should never be thawed by boiling or using the microwave. Boiling and microwave destroy the proteins and other goodies in the breast milk.

• How to add fresh expressed milk to stored frozen milk?

The best way to add fresh expressed milk is by cooling the milk first, either under running water or with ice packs. Then when it is cold, it may be added to the frozen milk. This is because we do not want the outer frozen milk to thaw as rethawed milk are not healthy.

• Why are the thawed milk of a different colour?

Thawed expressed breast milk may have a different colour and odour as compared to fresh breast milk. That is normal. Some studies have showed that breast milk may have antibiotic properties. Contaminated milk will smell rancid and taste bitter.

By creating your personal ‘milk bank’ for your baby, you ensure your baby will have a constant supply of your milk even when you are busy or away for some time. Your breast milk is best for your baby because your body has tailored-made it to meet your baby’s nutritional needs.

The Seven Principles to be the World’s Greatest Parents

1. Don’t be a kiasu person
2. Speak the languages of love of children
3. Don’t expect instant results
4. Be and teach gratefulness
5. Learn to let go
6. Walk in the faith
7. Stay close to the Source